


the outrageous question of certainty

by kay_el



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Betrayal, Daddy Issues, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:30:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_el/pseuds/kay_el
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Reid felt untethered. And Jason Gideon wasn't the reliable constant Spencer thought he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the outrageous question of certainty

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt (from aromanticgcallen on tumblr): Gideon & Reid, "You're not going to lose me."

"You’re not going to _lose_ me," he says, like he’s offended Spencer even asked.

Gideon doesn’t even look at him, the dismissal clear in the sharp lines of his back and the tilt to his head.

Gideon tells the truth harshly, Spencer thinks as flames fill the sky and the man in question crosses his arms over his chest. Spencer, behind him, pushes his hair from his face and shoves his hands in his pockets. Stares at the ground instead of the smudged figure of Jason Gideon, haloed by fire.

 

It was a stupid question.

 

Gideon thinks it was stupid, and so it’s stupid, and Spencer _knew_ it was stupid before he even asked, but there’s a not-quite-quantifiable urge to know, to be sure. And so words, questions like, “are you going to leave?” and “why do you stay?” tumble from his mouth. He tries so hard to reel them back in, to let them settle unheard in the gap between the two of them. But, of course, nothing is that simple.

 

The case they’re wrapping up involved an unsub setting the world on fire for the ghost of his father. A boy, and a mountain of daddy issues, and the furious desire to cleanse the world of paternal sins.

The hollow face staring at him through the mirror of the interrogation room had been Spencer’s undoing, and he’d hidden in the bathroom, washing his own abandonment from his hands and not looking himself in the eyes. Derek had found him, staring at his own thin wrists, and clapped a friendly-familiar hand on his shoulder, and told him to get in the car. One more house, flames set on a timer, and they got the family out, and Spencer wants to rejoice.

Instead, he asks Gideon stupid questions in the smoke and folds in on himself afterwards.

 

But Gideon is there, larger than life, and that’s got to mean something.

 

He feels uneasy, about that. Because he knows these things don’t last. (but Jason promised, he promised, he promised he would stay and God, Spencer wants so badly to believe him.)

It’s just fear, at the core. Anxiety. That outrageous question of certainty, the guilty desperation of Spencer Reid as he tries to pin down a father figure. As he watches the tenements of his life crumble like pillars of salt.

But Gideon is Right, and Spencer is Wrong, this is good this is safe this is honest and fair and true, he mouths to himself like the words will plant themselves in his mouth.

 

The work, Spencer. _Focus on the work_.

 

There’s dust in the air, and smoke. He blames that for his eyes watering.

 

Spencer swallows, bites the inside of his cheek, and apologizes, his words turning to humid nothing in the New Mexico heat.

 

***

 

Three years later, Spencer finds a letter in a cabin in the woods.

It says, “I knew it would be you.”

It says, “You must be frightened.”

It says, “I never meant to cause you any pain.”

 

Spencer swallows, bites the inside of his cheek, and doesn’t cry.

His fingers shake.

 

_You’re not going to_ lose _me._

 

“Liar.”

 

 


End file.
